Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
