carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
