I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
one two three fourrrrnication!
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
