Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
