if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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