i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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