very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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