Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
