Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
