This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
