I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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