her vagina looked like bernie madoff
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
