i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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