I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I think a kid would responsible me up
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She needs sedatives and a leash
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
