Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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