Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
