And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize