we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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