what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Randomize
