Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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