my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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