U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sorry about my life...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
