You're so nebulous sometimes
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
