I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
