Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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