im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I met the friendliest cop last night
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
