so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
