theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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