Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize