Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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