i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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