I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
