On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Apparently you make a good broom.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Girls should come with a carfax report
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
