that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
