My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just puked most of my soul out..
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
