Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I am one with the molecules
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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