The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
