i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
