White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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