im six kinds of drunk right now
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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