I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
