it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize