Soap is not a condiment
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
there is puke in my bra ... again
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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