i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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