There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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