Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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