my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
