Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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