booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
