Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
