if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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