walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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