i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
There r osticjed everywhere
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
