I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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