Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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