Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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