Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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