I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
