to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
