never play flip cup with pint glasses
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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