I didn't shave. On purpose
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You need Xanax blowdarts
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
