wakey wakey hands off snakey
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
