the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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