Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
