covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
